I have been able to avoid it since January 15, 2009. Tomorrow, I do not get to avoid it any longer. At 10:54, I depart to the fun land known as Nigeria. The good news is that I that the rebels have agreed to a cease fire for 60 days (oh yeah!). I have been given strict guidelines for my 28 hour stay, but you know there is always a chance that something could happen. So I thought I should prepare something if for some reason I am captured and taken hostage. If something should happen, I would request that someone please pass along the following note to the rebel forces.
Dear Rebel Force Leader,
If you have received this note, there has been a huge mistake on your part. You see just because I had a two car caravan, I am no one important. Maybe you thought I was Obama, but your sources have given you bad information since he was in Ghana last week, not Nigeria. I assume that getting good intelligence in kind of hard considering your circumstances of living in hiding and all. Well, now that you have me, I need to inform you of a few things.
1. All your guys are running around in green camouflage and this doesn't really work for me. You see when I was little, Dr. Louis informed me and my family that I am really color blind. Now, there is no need to shed a tear for me, I have figured it out over time and as long as I wear white and primary colored suits I get along OK. You should have seen it at the beginning though, it was a mess. Anyway, it would really help me out if you could coordinate the color of your followers a little better. Can I suggest yellow and black or blue and white combination? This would be a lot better for me because at the moment I must admit it is a little hard to see you all and well I know that you are considering my comfort in this whole ordeal. If you do decide to change, please stay away from any kind of blue/purple, red/green, orange/yellow combinations as well.
2. This whole sleeping on a dirt floor thing is not really all that comfortable for me. You see you should have done a little research because I am what they call a hotel snob. My wife seems to think that I have some sort of condition. When in a hotel, it is very important for me to have a large bed in a big room. I also need to advise you that I would really think favorable of your organization if a Westin Heavenly Bed were made available. I happen to think that this is the best bed in the world. Furthermore, I would like to let you know that I also would like a Heavenly Shower as well. You know I am not a clean freak and in fact when I go camping I do not shower for 2-3 days at a time, but a nice shower with good water pressure would be much obliged.
3. Since I brought up camping, I should also let you know that this whole outdoor thing is not really my style. I have been camping before, but I typically sleep in the car when it rains or is cold. So taking this into consideration, maybe I can be upgraded to some kind of indoor facility with AC. I know, the whole hotel snob thing is kicking in, but I think this is a feasible request.
4. Finally, this is an important one. You see I have this tendency to be allergic to just about everything. It seems that I have even passed this trait onto my son. He is cursed, god bless him. In the past on a very rare occasion, I have been known to have an allergic reaction that I have now referred to as the "Goodyear reaction." This occurs when a certain part of my body, mainly my head which I have been told is already large in its normal state, swells up to the size a miniature Goodyear blimp. This is really embarrassing when this occurs so I am going to have to ask that your men keep me away from just about everything. Otherwise, your hiding place here in jungle is going to be found rather quickly because the pilots flying in and out of Nigeria are going to call the tower stating that I have sited the Staypuff Marshmallow Man. Trust me, this gets ugly quick.
In closing, I think that these requests are more than fair. I am willing to write any sort of customer survey at the end of may stating that the treatment I received while in custody was pleasant. Furthermore if a ransom if required, I have been recently crowned as the POKER KING, but seem to be having an issue collecting the $5 million that I am owed. In fact, I think there is something that can be worked out here with my release and you helping collect this money that I am rightfully owed. Something to keep in mind.
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