Life Lessons From A Rock In Taylor: 2009 Edition

I am back in France. Jen and the kids should arrive sometime next week. We went to DFW for a few days and celebrated Lilly's birthday and then spent most of our time in Colorado. Jen can attest that I always build this trip up to an impossible level of expectation. This year was no different, and it was not perfect. That being said if there is every such a thing as a perfectly not perfect trip, well Colorado 2009 fits the bill.

This year we literally could have gone anywhere. The nice thing about Europe is you are just about in the middle of the world. US is 10 hours away. Asia is about 12 hours away. South Africa is 10 hours away. I caught a bunch of grief in the office about going to the US for the holidays, but I simply told them, "I don't miss my Colorado trip." This has been true for years. I don't know another place in the world where you can see your kids do the same thing you did 30 years ago and they have the same smile as you did when you were doing it. I don't know a place in the world where a 30 year + man can watch his 80 year + Grandmother go fishing like she has been doing for probably 50 years. I don't know a place in the world where a retired preacher can hold an audience on Sunday morning like the one in Tin Cup. I don't know a place in the world where a Grandmother can't stand not being with here grandkids so much that she drives 1600 miles for a 4 day visit. I don't know a place in the world that exists like the house on Spring Creek and until I do, well world you can have my extended weekends, but you don't have a puncher's chance in having my summer vacation.

Have You Lost Your Mind?

I have a new calling and no it is not poker. I am going to start a travel agency, but this will not be your everyday run of the mill travel agency. HILMMTA, Have I Lost My Mind Travel Agency, will specialize in maximizing the stress of traveling for its customers so that when they return to work they feel work life is easier than vacation and therefore increase their efficiency because they never want to leave work again. Imagine the following:

Customer: I would like to book a trip for 7 from Houston to Hawaii for 10 days on the week of June 30. I would like to stay at the Westin in Maui.

HILMMTA: Great. We have you scheduled and your bill will be sent in the mail.

6 months later..

Customer: (Location Houston airport) Sir, I have scheduled a vacation for Hawaii using HILMMTA six months ago and I am now at the airport and they do not have my reservation. I have all my kids with me, what is going on?

HILMMTA: Congratulations, Have I Lost My Mind Travel Agency has booked you and your family on a 30 day vacation to Greenland where we have covered all of hotel expenses with a new REI tent that is waiting for you at your destination.

Customer: What the hell are you talking about?

HILMMTA: That's right lady. Here at HILMMTA we like to offer a different kind of vacation. One full of surprises and changeable dates and even flexible destinations. Our slogan is we are not satisfied until you literally ask yourself, "Have I Lost My Mind?"

Customer: Great business. How do you have any customers?

HILMMTA: Thank you for asking. You are in fact our second customer. Our first customer, Mr. Ima Idiot, booked a trip and we left him in Nigeria for an extra day. He was so pleased with our service, Mr. Idiot then booked us for his family vacation to Texas. We changed the date on his departure and he just found out two days before leaving. He just called us and said the magic words we at HILMMTA love to hear, " Have I Lost My Mind?" We said, we hope so and if not you are guaranteed a 100% refund.

Customer: Great. I don't want to go to Greenland. I want to go to Hawaii.

HILMMTA: Great. Next time book a trip to Iceland and the great part is you never know with HILMMTA, you could end up in Iceland or India. It just simply depends on how much stress we think you need until you say, "Have I Lost My Mind?"

Customer: I hate you. I am never using your agency again.

HILMMTA: Oh, I think you will change your mind when I tell you that we have given you a 7 stop flight to Greenland and a canoe fit for 3 for your return trip.

Customer: Have You Lost Your Mind?

HILMMTA: No mam, but it is your mind that we are concerned about.




I NEED A VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Off to see the wizard...

I have been able to avoid it since January 15, 2009. Tomorrow, I do not get to avoid it any longer. At 10:54, I depart to the fun land known as Nigeria. The good news is that I that the rebels have agreed to a cease fire for 60 days (oh yeah!). I have been given strict guidelines for my 28 hour stay, but you know there is always a chance that something could happen. So I thought I should prepare something if for some reason I am captured and taken hostage. If something should happen, I would request that someone please pass along the following note to the rebel forces.

Dear Rebel Force Leader,

If you have received this note, there has been a huge mistake on your part. You see just because I had a two car caravan, I am no one important. Maybe you thought I was Obama, but your sources have given you bad information since he was in Ghana last week, not Nigeria. I assume that getting good intelligence in kind of hard considering your circumstances of living in hiding and all. Well, now that you have me, I need to inform you of a few things.

1. All your guys are running around in green camouflage and this doesn't really work for me. You see when I was little, Dr. Louis informed me and my family that I am really color blind. Now, there is no need to shed a tear for me, I have figured it out over time and as long as I wear white and primary colored suits I get along OK. You should have seen it at the beginning though, it was a mess. Anyway, it would really help me out if you could coordinate the color of your followers a little better. Can I suggest yellow and black or blue and white combination? This would be a lot better for me because at the moment I must admit it is a little hard to see you all and well I know that you are considering my comfort in this whole ordeal. If you do decide to change, please stay away from any kind of blue/purple, red/green, orange/yellow combinations as well.

2. This whole sleeping on a dirt floor thing is not really all that comfortable for me. You see you should have done a little research because I am what they call a hotel snob. My wife seems to think that I have some sort of condition. When in a hotel, it is very important for me to have a large bed in a big room. I also need to advise you that I would really think favorable of your organization if a Westin Heavenly Bed were made available. I happen to think that this is the best bed in the world. Furthermore, I would like to let you know that I also would like a Heavenly Shower as well. You know I am not a clean freak and in fact when I go camping I do not shower for 2-3 days at a time, but a nice shower with good water pressure would be much obliged.

3. Since I brought up camping, I should also let you know that this whole outdoor thing is not really my style. I have been camping before, but I typically sleep in the car when it rains or is cold. So taking this into consideration, maybe I can be upgraded to some kind of indoor facility with AC. I know, the whole hotel snob thing is kicking in, but I think this is a feasible request.

4. Finally, this is an important one. You see I have this tendency to be allergic to just about everything. It seems that I have even passed this trait onto my son. He is cursed, god bless him. In the past on a very rare occasion, I have been known to have an allergic reaction that I have now referred to as the "Goodyear reaction." This occurs when a certain part of my body, mainly my head which I have been told is already large in its normal state, swells up to the size a miniature Goodyear blimp. This is really embarrassing when this occurs so I am going to have to ask that your men keep me away from just about everything. Otherwise, your hiding place here in jungle is going to be found rather quickly because the pilots flying in and out of Nigeria are going to call the tower stating that I have sited the Staypuff Marshmallow Man. Trust me, this gets ugly quick.

In closing, I think that these requests are more than fair. I am willing to write any sort of customer survey at the end of may stating that the treatment I received while in custody was pleasant. Furthermore if a ransom if required, I have been recently crowned as the POKER KING, but seem to be having an issue collecting the $5 million that I am owed. In fact, I think there is something that can be worked out here with my release and you helping collect this money that I am rightfully owed. Something to keep in mind.

Technically Speaking

Last night I boarded a Boeing 777 to fly home. This is an enormous piece of machinery. As I walked off the bus and towards the plane I found myself literally in awe of how the pilots get this thing off the ground. The engine alone has to be almost 10ft - 12ft high. The wing spand is probably 40 yards. I know a little about the steel that goes into these planes. It basically has to be defect free. The same with the bolts and screws that put the pieces of sheet together. So there I was with my Blackberry texting an email in front of this airplane.

I stood there and thought while we boarded the plane:

How many engineers actually put the conception, all of the electrical, aerodynamics, and mechanical pieces together to make a plane? Is it thousands, ten thousands?

Considering that the raw materials have to be defect free, what process goes into making perfect materials for an airplane?

How do they test the longevity and effectiveness of an airline engine?

As I was holding my phone,

What kind of R&D goes into making a phone that can call anywhere in the world, get internet, get emails, and still fit in your pocket?

How were we able to shrink the size a computer in 30 years from the size of a building to the size of my hand?

If you really think about the technology that goes into a phone or a plane it is simply impressive.

And then I thought, we can make huge planes that fly 40,000 ft in the air and multi-purpose phones that fit in my hand and yet we can not figure out a way to get people in Africa clean drinking water.

With a few clicks on the internet you can find the following:

2 MILLION people die annually because of waterborne illnesses (mostly in 3rd world countries).
2 BILLION people do not have clean water in this world.
350 MILLION people in Africa are without clean drinking water. This is equivalent to the entire US not having drinking water.

Am I nuts? How is this possible? Clean water. We can fly planes and make small computers, but we can't figure out clean water?

If you could only pick one, should we be in awe of our advances or humilated at our failures?

I JUST WON $5,000,000

Today is the greatest day of my life. Today I have created multi-generational wealth. Today, I am going to quit my job and move to Easy Street. How?

Yesterday, in the process of reading a great book, Outliers, I decided to take a break a play poker on my Blackberry. I started out with the house giving me just $500 and then I won another $1500. Upon winning this, I entered into a small tournament and won $20,000.

I then though, "I must be the greatest." I then entered the Rose Bowl of poker which is the World Series of Poker. It cost me $10,000, but upon hours of playing and probably a severe case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome I won the World Series of Poker and $5,000,000. I can't believe it. It is strange, there were no cameras or interviews that were awaiting me this morning at my hotel.

I called my client and told him the news. He then had the audacity to ask me if we were still having our morning meeting. I promptly replied, "Are you crazy? You must not have been listening, I JUST WON $5M bucks. I am out of here. Find someone else to have your "important meeting".

I then went to bmw.com and bought my dream car for $120,000. I mean this is a ridiculous price for a car, but I ahave $5M so it is no problem. I asked them to deliver to the house so that Jen can participate in our new wealth until I came back to Texas.

Feeling like a king, I called NetJets and asked for a private jet to pick me up from Ghana. They asked for my banking information and I asked why they did not know me because I am the POKER KING. The man said, "Sir, that is great and all. When you sober up, call us if you want a jet and make sure you have your bank information." Now I was more than a little upset with his attitude, but he was probably a little jealous. I mean I am the $5M POKER KING and he works at NetJets. What a loser.

I then went to the lobby for breakfast and afterwards I got up to leave. My waitress ran over to the table and asked for me to sign the bill. I said, "Mam, it is early, but today on CNN or CNBC you are probably going to see my picture on TV. I won $5M last night. You should probably comp this meal. The hotel is going to get a great amount of press because I am staying here. In fact, you need to speak to the manager because my $300 a night room needs to be free. This hotel is not going to be known as the "Obama Hotel" especially after the press hears about how I won $5M in room 722." She then escorted me to the manager's office to have a one-to one discussion. Finally some respect.

Interally I was thinking that they were going to upgrade me to the Obama suite, or should I say the Brett suite, or get me a private helicopter, or better yet get that loser from NetJets back on the phone. My main thought was do not sign anything, I needed to get an agent. These deals don't come around everyday. As I walked into the office, I was more than surprised at his aggressive demeanor. I didn't have time to get color or black and white pictures for autographs. I tried to explain this to him, but he just was yelling at me to pay for my breakfast and to stop harassing the staff. I stood up and said, "Do you know who I am. I won $5M in room 722 last night. I am the new poker champion of world. I do not appreciate your attitude. Put the breakfast on my room and I need your name because I am calling not your manager, but the President of Holiday Inn. Good luck finding a new job sucker."

Upon returning to my room, I was really mad and still very confused. There is still no press here. I checked the phone and it works. What in the world is going on?

I called the company that sponsored the tournament and when the little man answered the phone I said, "This is Brett." "OK, Hi Brett and you are?" he said. "OK, enough is enough. Get someone on the phone and tell them I need my $5M bucks and I mean now." He then replied "OK Brett, um, we are not a real casino and I don't want to be the person who breaks this to you, but that was a video game."

I was now screaming "Whatever, I just need my money. I don't care if you are a daycare center for green rabbits. give me my money and we can part ways. I feel sure there are going to be 1000's of casinos that want to at least recognize me as the newly crowned POKER KING." "Well, Mr. POKER KING, that is good news. Good luck with that." said the little punk and then we somehow got disconnected. I have tried to call back several times, but it seems that my number is now blocked. Did they not have the money? Is this some kind of Ponzi scheme?

A few minutes passed and in an instant I felt that I had actually lost $5,000,000 and come to think of it my hand is really starting to hurt. In tears, I started to write my daily to do list:

1. Call client and state that it is Ghana April Fools Day and ask why they have April Fools Day in July.

2. Review US law to see if you can cancel a $120,000 BMW after signing an agreement to pay in full upon receipt.

3. Find grocery store in Accra because I am not allowed to eat in the hotel restuarant after harassing the staff.

4. Kindly ask hotel manager to borrow $3 so that I can buy a Coke.

5. Find ice for hand.

You know, I am broke, but it was a great ride. Once my hand is either removed or healed, I think I am going to attempt to become the first back-to-back World Series of Poker champion. Maybe then they will pay me my $10M bucks.

Why is it taking so long to pass the salt?

Last night, the kids and I had dinner together. The problem was that I needed a napkin, and well let just say that although they are both growing like weeds these days, neither could reach over the Atlantic Ocean to oblige my request. As I have stated before, Skype is great.

Life is pretty quiet over here at the moment with the gang in Houston. Playing Uno by yourself is unbelievably predictable. It is a little ironic that you have a game called Uno that needs a minimum of two people to play. It does give me time to work on my strategy for Uno as the kids have come to enjoy this game immensely. This is a shocker, but Abby LOVES and I mean LOVES to see someone have to draw 4 or 2. She truly revels in the moment. Competitive? I believe that this is clear. Grey on the other hand is again sneaky smart. Grey gets a draw 4 or Wild and it goes something like this:

Grey plays a Wild or Draw 4.

Grey: I want the color to be green.

Dad: Grey, you have 15 blues and 7 yellows in your hand. Do you want to the color to be yellow or blue?

Grey: Green.

Abby: Grey, you can't call green. You don't have any greens.

Grey: Green.

Abby: Dad!

Dad: Abby, he can call any color he wants.

Grey (now sheepishly smiling that he has messed with the preassigned logic of his sister): Green.

And then what typically happens is that Abby and I will inevitably have to draw about 10 cards a piece before we see Grey's favorite color, green. I must say the tactic is pretty clever and has worked several times as he has won on multiple occassions because of this little manuever.

Finally, today is mom's birthday. 60, wow that is a big number. I mean 60, serious. Wow. Still doing what she is doing at 60. Happy Birthday Mom and PS I know that you are 59, but I took the pleasure in rounding up for you.

I have to go work now and I need a coat today because it is 60 degrees outside. Upon arrival in Texas I have informed the flight crew on Continental that it is possible I will melt into a big puddle of transparent meat prior to exiting the jet bridge.

What Can You Do In 63 Million Seconds?

As I set the keys down on the counter, I headed to the refrigerator for a bottle of 16 oz. water. I am cheap so it wasn't real bottled water, just refilled bottle water. I was wearing a blue GAP polo shirt and a pair of torn Levi's (I told you that I was cheap). Jen and I had just come back from the movies. As I approached the den, my mother-in-law said that I needed to call my mom and that my Grandmother had a stroke. Immediately following;

Brain: What did she just say?

Brain: Ask her to repeat what she just said.

Brain: Which Grandmother?

Brain: Why are there the sounds of train sirens in my head?

Brain: Ask her which Grandmother.

Brain: Someone, please stop the sirens.

Brain: SPEAK. TALK.

Actual conversation: silence.

I can count on two fingers actual nights that I have never slept a single minute. The first was when I was at A&M and completely unprepared for my Finance final. The second, Father's Day 2007.

So, Happy Father's Day to everyone.

Happy Stroke Day to Gramma. There are no cards for such an occasion although I can come up with a few just sitting here. Maybe having Micheal Phelps on the cover saying "Nice Stroke Recovery" or something. I don't take it lightly knowing that strokes kill 150,000 family members a year, but you have to celebrate the victories against such an event and I assure you this was a clear cut victory. She is in much better shape than the faded GAP shirt and the jeans that I have thrown away long ago.